Well....

Been a while, huh? Bummer.

I'm still keeping up with the other FTC's members' blogs, but I just haven't had the energy to blog.  Frankly, I haven't had the energy to do ANYTHING the last couple of weeks. It started at Thanksgiving, and it's gotten progressively worse since then. Awful headaches, fatigue, joint aches, weird random low grade fevers that come and go, and either I can't sleep OR I can't get enough sleep.  My husband says I've complained about headaches for as long as he's known me (can't be true - we DO have THREE children....), but these are different.  I used to be able to sleep it off, or realize it was tension and slow down, de-stress, etc.  I can't sleep these off.  In fact, I don't remember when the last time was that my head DIDN'T hurt. At least, not before Thanksgiving.

A couple of ppl have asked me if it's some kind of creative curse - I started writing music again this fall, and have had several performance opportunities lately, and maybe the headaches are the by-product of all that creativity swarming around in my brain, trying to get out....

NOT LIKELY

Been writing music off and on since 1996 - never had this before.  (Didn't start taking it seriously until October, but still....)

Others have asked me if it's sinus related -  I haven't had pressure there, and I highly doubt I've been carrying around a sinus infection for three months with no nasal/allergy symptoms....

NOT LIKELY

It could be something silly and nothing like a blocked sinus cavity (not likely, but still possible), it could be auto-immune related (lupus, fibromyalgia, ms, etc.), or it could be something worse....a cyst or worse still.

Soooo......

See why I haven't been blogging? I HAVE still been making it to the gym at least 3 times a week, and I'm cleaning two houses a week for pay + my own house, and I'm still assistant coaching my older girls' basketball team so I'm getting exercise Tuesday nights, too.  PLUS I'm still playing keys at church two services a week, so I'm staying busy and active.

I'm starting to get worried, tho.  The doctor put me on 3 WEEKS on antibiotics (500 mg 3x a day), and I'm EXHAUSTED.  I'm done with the first week, and two weeks left.  Still achy, still tired, still having headaches even through the migraine meds (which in turn make me nauseous....)  The doctor ordered a CT scan of my head, scheduled for Monday morning.  I should know by this time next week what's going on there.

I am SO TIRED of BEING TIRED.

I know that not all of you are praying girls, but I think that it's the only thing that's going to keep me going.  I don't know what's going on, but I know that whatever it is, large or small, easy or hard, that I can get through it with the help of my friends and family.  Even though I don't know many of you FTCers well, I know that we all have struggles that we can overcome.  And we overcome with the help and support and love of the people around us.

I've spent so much of my adult life taking care of my babies that it's REALLY hard for me to deal with feeling sick all the time.  It's so frustrating to be so tired by the time they get home from school that I can barely make dinner and supervise homework.  Blech.

I'll keep you girls posted, and I really hope I feel better soon.  I leave tomorrow morning with a friend to see WICKED in Albuquerque, so I have a small break from life.  I hope to be able to enjoy it!  In the meantime, my goals have changed a little.

Here's my goals for this coming week:

1) Go to the gym Monday after CT scan, and Wednesday and Friday mornings.
2) NOT cancel any appointments or lessons this week just because I don't feel well.
3) Continue working on getting the "old songs" (written 1996 - 2000) put into sheet music and lead sheets so I can put my attention to the new stuff that is swimming around in my brain.
4) Spend less time curled up on the couch and more time with the girls, even if it's just playing Wii.
5) Blog at least three times next week, so my FTCers have an update, now that I've let them all in on everything....

I'm putting on my "GAME FACE".  That means that I'm going to, in public and around the kids, be as 'NORMAL' as is possible (well, for me anyway.) I can break down and be sad and weepy and scared when I'm alone or with close friends, but I have to be the strong one.  I'm everyone's rock - everyone counts on me, and nobody knows what to do when I fall apart.  So, the logical answer is to NOT fall apart until the situation warrants falling apart. Right?! Hope so.

The Power within me is greater than the power against me.

Good night, FTCers.  "See" you soon.